This morning...

This morning as I woke up I suddenly had a flashback of what a friend said to me after an eye-gazing session a couple weeks back. She said that she saw sadness in one eye and kid-like joy in the other. I was a bit taken back at that moment and never told her until today how true that observation was. I suppose I could have been too surprised to know even how to respond. She was right - I'm and have been emotionally vulnerable, and at times even unstable and haven't had the appropriate channels to let it out and then let it heal. It all feels a bit choked up inside, like a clogged pipe with murky waters stuck in a sink. I thought a long trek amongst some of the highest mountains in the world could bring about clarity and peace. While it did bring me some of that, more moments were filled with emotional rollercoaster rides of what-if's, self-blame, and loneliness. It hasn't really been mentally healthy. As I emerged out of the mountains, I found myself back at the Conscious Impact camp with familiar and new faces, loving people, energies, and meaningful work. I thought that would be healing for me to restart afresh. It has been, yet I've still been struggling with emotional up's and down's as I merge back on the highway of rebuilding work at this village devastated by the earthquakes 2 years ago. That said, it hasn't stopped me from having moments of bliss, joy, and unbound wonder for the world and its people as I used my pair of legs to get this body up to 5400+ meters several times and as I surrounded myself with folks from all over the globe with the same intentions of serving others and lending a helping hand. So what my friend said to me was absolutely correct, and it's crazy - she saw something in my eyes in those 10 minutes that perhaps I didn't even know was (and still is) the most succinct, accurate analysis of my state of mind these past couple months.